Dear fellow adoptee…
You probably came into this world 100% unplanned…
Your life may be somebody’s secret
Your life may have started as a problem to some people
But that does not mean you anything less than
100% worthy and lovable
Do you believe it? Can you believe it?
A few years ago, if you had asked me that question, I would have said “sure” and given it little more thought.
But I was unaware that my actions indicated a belief system inconsistent with love or worth.
For example:
Do you hide your feelings around adoption for fear of criticism, judgment, or rejection?
Do you blame yourself if someone is unhappy?
Do you wake up in the morning feeling shame or guilt for not being good enough?
When we are born, adoptees innately feel a loss of family and safety. A trauma happens, and it is imprinted on our subconscious.
Adoption trauma is real, and it can show up in many different ways in our lives. It is up to us to become aware of what the trauma is telling our brains and how our brains respond to these messages.
Adoptees spend a lot of energy trying to make sense of their negative feelings. These feelings may feel scary or unsafe. We do what we can to ensure we won't be abandoned again.
But negative feelings are a COMMON and NECESSARY part of life. You are never wrong for feeling your feelings. They are your messengers and have a lot to show you.
Most people do not enjoy negative emotions and want to feel happy. So when we feel fear, anger, resentment, or sadness (just to name a few), we treat them as unwanted intruders. But more importantly, we make them mean something about us. That something is wrong with us.
What if we could treat them for what they are: just feelings. What if, when they arise in us and we feel that natural alarm system in our bodies, we could learn to let them come without fear, judgment, or resistance? How we respond gives us insight into what we believe about ourselves. It gives us valuable data on why we are stuck in suffering. This is not to add more shame and guilt; this is to become aware so we can learn how to change. We cannot change what we are unaware of.
None of this is your fault. It just means you are a normal human with a big heart. You care.
If you want to talk to another adoptee who has walked the same path and understands your negative feelings, I'm here to listen. We are not alone on this journey. We need to be able to share what is bothering us in a safe space. Just schedule a 30-minute call, and that may be all you need to feel better. And maybe you want to go deeper. Regardless, I am here for you.
